Ungrateful Me

I did something horrible. Something evil. I hurt someone, and I didn’t even see how ungrateful and rude I was being. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure it out in time. When I think back on it, I can’t even believe it was me. I don’t know what happened to me.

There was a time people thought I was a good person. Focused. Helpful. Caring. Thankful. Empathic to a fault. Many times I had been told not to worry about what people thing about you, but still, must admit, I like that people thought of me as a good person. Silly pride maybe, but it allowed me to sleep at night.

Now, I can’t sleep and I feel my heart is breaking. I hate hurting people. Even more so when I know it was my own “jackassery” that did it. The fact that I am so focused on me and my feelings about this frustrates me. I’ve become self-absorbed. I see it more now than ever before. I have so many disappointments happening in my life right now, I didn’t even see how I was becoming one.

My friend is hurt. My heart is breaking. I don’t know how to apologize without making it worse. I sent a stupid text. I wrote a single word on a wall. I sent an email. But I don’t think she wants to see me, yet. If ever. My inability to step outside my collapsing world and look at how my actions were affecting others, may have destroyed a friendship with a great person.

I am thankful for her effect on me. She woke me up and made me realize the change in me that is not for the good. I’m grateful for her wisdom and hope to utilize it well in the years to come. Most of all, I am grateful for the gift of friendship she gave me. It is my own failing that I was not able to recognize it in time.

It is my own fault.  I don’t like who I’ve become. I don’t like it at all. Change is the only constant, and change I will.


About Supovadea

Single Mom, Certified Rocket Scientist & Aerospace Engineer, Private Pilot, Amazon, Dancer, Writer, Eternal Optimist, Survivor, Dreamer, 2,910 NM ENE of where I belong.
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1 Response to Ungrateful Me

  1. Dina says:

    Aloha, Zyola! I worked in the same building at ODOT when you were there. My name is Dina, and I was the half-korean lady. I remember when I saw you outside when you were expecting your daughters. You had missed your family so much. We just came back from the Big Island after THREE weeks.

    I thought of you a bunch because you are my first Hawaiian friend. We met some Hawaiian brothers and aunties, and they adopted us into their family. They gave us new names! We had camping permits and husband went net fishing with the brothers.

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