July 10, 2008, the judge signed the papers freeing me from a life sentence of suffering and servitude, restoring my name and individuality and gifting me with soul custody of the shining star I was blessed to bring into this world. Every year since, I have recognized this day as a reason to celebrate and take stock of my world.
My Dissolution Anniversary.
This is a day, I choose to recognize what I have done to better myself. It is the day I measure if I am still moving forward or if I succumbed to the depression that was darkening my days. When I filed divorce, I was afraid. The idea that I might fall into the stereotypical view of a divorced, single, “minority” mom was horrifying to me. But I made a pledge to myself and my daughter, I would make every effort to avoid it.
My first dissolution anniversary, I marked my success by recognizing that I had physically removed myself from his influence and begun the process toward building a happy home for my daughter to grow in. I had remembered how to laugh again, and no longer needed to fake a smile. My daughter and I bonded in safety and even had developed our own language. It was a great first year.
My second dissolution anniversary, was marked more by the mental progress I had made. It was a difficult year. I found myself, unemployed and struggling even more financially than before. I was angry at the successes of the men who had hurt me and frustrated with the circumstances that made me feel conspired against. But it was a good anger. Something that needed to come out. I had been bottling up my feelings for so long, I hadn’t realized how badly they needed to flow. I cried a lot and gave myself license to do so. When my anniversary came around again, I realized that I was cleansing my soul and was now able to begin the process of healing. It was a rough year, but a good one.
My third dissolution anniversary, today, I am marking by the changes I am doing to make a positive change in the lives of both my daughter and I. The most profound change, is I’ve finally returned to school to pursue my passion in aviation. This time, I know I won’t be “guilted” into dropping out because of another’s selfish desire to gain that which was not earned. Although, not financially stable, I’ve paid off one major financial burden and put a serious dent in another. I’ve given my daughter a space of her own to explore her world and stretch her imagination. Personally, I have grown spiritually. I have regained my sense of self that I didn’t realize was missing and expanded it. I am more confident in my abilities now than I may have been in my entire life. I’m more positive in my self-sufficiency than I have ever been. I’m stronger. I’m able to begin honest planning. I’ve even made a few new friends. I don’t know what the next year holds for me yet, but I know if I continue this pattern of seeking the good, good will come. I still have a lot to overcome, but I’ve also overcome much. My daughter is happy and knows she’s loved. My personal future is brightening. And my faith in myself is restoring.
It has been an impressive year.